Tag: Bipolar

I’ve Written A Book! Writing ‘Living At The Speed Of Light’

I’ve wanted to write a book for years. More specifically, I’ve wanted to write a book about my experiences of mental illness. So about five years ago, I started putting together a memoir, of everything I’ve been through living with Bipolar disorder. When it was finished, I sent it to a few publishers….but it wasn’t what they were looking for. I shelved it, believing no one was interested in hearing my story. In early 2019 I told myself I’d send it out one last time, not with much hope or expectation of anything coming of it. This time though, the response was different. The publisher, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, were willing to work with me, if I made some changes. We discussed it over a couple of weeks and came to the decision that the book could work as part memoir, part guide to living with Bipolar disorder.

I put together a proposal of what the book would look like, and wrote a sample chapter. The answer; they liked it, and I had a book deal!

Now I just had to write it. I couldn’t use my original manuscript, I had to start from scratch. I had four months to get it as perfect as I could. It wasn’t an easy process. Writing a book is bloody hard work! Anyone that writes a blog, journals, or talks about their mental illness on social media knows that it’s draining. After a day spent writing about my experiences for the book, and sharing my insights and advice, I was emotionally exhausted. I had to look after myself during those four months and talk it through with people close to me, like my partner Jimi. Then I sent it to my publisher. I was so nervous to press send on that email! I didn’t need to be – there were changes I needed to make, but nothing stressful. Before I knew it, the editing process was complete.

Of course the book needed a name – and the one we finally decided on – Living At The Speed Of Light. I felt it really explained what life can be like sometimes living with bipolar, with changing extreme moods ruling your life.

Now the book is available to preorder! It’s out officially on 18th March 2021. It’s for anyone who lives with Bipolar, who feels they may have it or is newly diagnosed. It’s for those of you who have someone in your life with Bipolar, and you want to learn more about it, and ways you can help. It’s also for anyone that just wants to know more about Bipolar from someone who’s been through it, and lived with the condition for nearly 20 years.

I’m immensely proud of this book. I wrote it thinking about what I had needed when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I needed someone who had been there, that had found their way through the maze of this ridiculously complex illness and had advice and knowledge to share. I would have wanted a story I could relate to, and tips for living and thriving that actually made sense. My goal is that Living At The Speed Of Light will help people with Bipolar disorder, and it will help others understand what it’s like to live with. If it helps one person, then it’s all been worth it.

Living With Psychosis – How Your Language Can Hurt

If you throw around the words ‘psychotic’ or ‘delusional’ to describe someone you disagree with, or roll it out when you’ve been hurt or upset – then you can’t call yourself a mental health advocate, or say that you care about mental health. There, I’ve said it.

People have said to me, “But surely delusional doesn’t just have a pathological meaning?” My answer to that is it depends on the context. I think generally people know what they’re insinuating when they call someone delusional. They know exactly what they’re doing, what they mean, and the reaction they’re trying to invoke. I have delusional thinking and I find it offensive when someone uses it as a slur. Delusional, and the word psychotic, are not synonymous with badness, which is often how they are used. The English language is huge and I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to change up your vocabulary!

The misuse use of these words is one of those things about mental illness that just doesn’t stick when you talk about it. And I’m majorly fed up with explaining it. People either don’t want to change the language they use, don’t see it’s a problem, or simply forget the point, and start using the words all over again. I see or hear the word psychotic misused pretty much everyday. It’s either on social media, in tv or film. So really, it’s EVERYWHERE. It’s exhausting to keep calling it out, or getting annoyed at a show or a movie when they use it in the wrong context.

I’ve had people say to me “C’mon, it’s not a big deal, it’s just a word!” That’s your opinion, but it’s important to listen to the opinion of people that are actually psychotic. That live with the condition/symptom and have to hear the word being used negatively every single day. Imagine you’ve been diagnosed with psychosis. The word psychotic has become a part of your life, whether you want it to or not. You know the feeling of dread when you start to hear, see or feel things that aren’t really there. You remember the extreme paranoia or delusions of grandeur that come with delusional thinking. You’re slowly learning to manage it, but it’s terrifying. It’s confusing and disorientating. It makes you feel extremely vulnerable. You feel untethered from reality and like there is no safety net to catch you. Because of all of this, you’re at a higher risk when you’re ill of being the victim of crime than the general population. Then imagine a friend has had a bad break up. They suddenly start describing their ex to you as a “psychotic nazi.” Later that day you find a show you think you’ll like and put it on the telly. The villain, the character the audience is supposed to hate, is described as psychotic. The next day, a family member rants to you about a politician. They tell you that they’re “evil, dangerous, psychotic.” And it continues like this, with people all around you casually throwing the word around – not once thinking about the impact it will have on you.

All I’m asking is to think before you speak. It all adds up. You might think it’s not a big deal when you say it, but hearing it constantly misused takes it’s toll. If you live with psychosis it warps the way you think about yourself. You start questioning, “Am I a bad person?” “Am I dangerous when I’m ill?” Because the word has been given a different meaning by the people around you and in society in general. It’s so commonly misused you start to doubt whether the way you use the word is right. It grinds you down, it makes you feel like you’re broken and people see you as dangerous.

They’re not ‘just words’ they carry venom that poisons people that are already vulnerable. It stops people from accessing care and support because they don’t want the label. It isolates people that already feel alone and misunderstood.

Hiding Behind A Smile

What do these photos say to you? You probably see a happy, smiling young person, enjoying life. The reality is I was ill in each of these photos.

I’d either just had a diagnosis of bipolar, or was about to be diagnosed. You can’t see it, but I was all over the place mentally – either depressed or manic, it was relentless and I felt stuck in a never-ending loop. I don’t remember being stable for more than a week at a time. Mania made me confident and almost euphoric, but at the same time I was dealing with delusional thinking and spending thousands of pounds that I couldn’t really afford. Then there was the irritability and anger that made me act out and say terrible things. Crushing depression left me feeling hopeless and stuck. I was also struggling with bulimia and in no way was I taking care of myself physically. To be honest, it was a shitty time in my life. Somehow through it all, I was working full time, spent the weekends partying with friends and going to festivals and gigs. I never stopped and I was always, always, smiling.

By that point in my life I’d become an expert at pretending everything was fine, hiding behind a mask and smiling through the pain.

It’s obvious with hindsight what was about to happen; I crashed. I became deeply depressed – the worst I’d ever felt. I was suicidal and couldn’t work, couldn’t go out, could barely function enough to have a shower. It forced me to confront what I’d been going through for years and start searching for a reason why. The answer was bipolar, and that started me on a long road of learning and acceptance. It taught me I have to be honest. I couldn’t hide anymore.

It’s easy to see a smiling face and assume everything is totally ok. But it’s not enough to just assume. Someone you love could be hiding how much they’re struggling and you may never know.

So ask the difficult questions; tell them you’ve noticed signs that something isn’t quite right. Reach out to them if they suddenly become withdrawn. Listen like you’re really listening, mean it when you empathise with them and ask how you can help. The mask will slip, and how you act when it does will make a huge difference to that person.

I wish I’d been more open about how I was coping. I wish I’d told the truth back then. But here I am now, being authentic and honest. It’s never too late to stop hiding, to let people in. I’m always blown away by the support I have from family and friends. It’s not always easy for them, and we communicate our feelings to each other when mental illness makes life tough. I have lost friends but, the ones that really care will stay by your side.

How to Help Someone with Bipolar Disorder

I’ve had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder since 2012. It’s been a rough journey and I’m still learning more about the condition, even now. My loved ones have been on the ride along with me, and we’ve had to learn together how they can best support me. I’ve put together what I believe helps – and a little about what doesn’t.

Learn their triggers and warning signs

Talking to your loved one about their triggers for an episode, and warning signs that one is about to happen, can help you help them. Triggers vary from stress, difficulty sleeping or insomnia, or a physical illness. Keep an eye out on major events happening in their life and how if they’re feeling overwhelmed it could lead to a bipolar episode. Ask them about their warning signs so you know what to watch out for. For instance for me, warning signs of a manic episode include; sleeping less, spending more, fast speech and having much more energy than usual.

Try not to become too controlling. Telling them what to do, how to look after themselves and taking over complete control of their life (such as their finances) can lead to your loved one pushing you away.

Let them share their experiences with you

If you can offer your support and listen free of judgement, your loved one with bipolar disorder will trust you more and will be more likely to open up if they’re struggling in the future. Listening and having empathy for someone’s situation doesn’t mean you have to totally get it. You don’t have to have been through the same thing in order to be supportive. Listening attentively can be a powerful tool.

Learn more about bipolar disorder

It shouldn’t be up to your loved one to answer every single question you have. From my own experience, it can be incredibly draining explaining every little detail about how bipolar impacts my life. If you can show you’re committed to learning more, it will show you respect love and support them. A great place to start is Bipolar UK who have tons of information about the illness. They also run support groups in the community and have an ecommunity on their website.

Make a plan

Before an episode of mania starts, make a plan together. First off, they’ll be more receptive to your ideas. They’ll be more in control and be able to look objectively at previous episodes of mania. Decide together what will help them, and what support and help they want when they are seriously ill. Write down your decisions, and keep them in a safe place for when you need them.

Help them stick to healthy routines. Again to keep them healthy, and during an episode, you could help them stick to a routine. Making sure they have regular meals and a sleep routine will either help to keep them well, or be in a healthier place when the mania/depression ends. 

When they’re manic, join in with their activities. During an episode you could do things together with them. If they are being creative, join in. It shows you’re interested in what they are up to, and means you can make boundaries on how long they spend on the activity. Again, don’t force them to stop, but remind them of other things they need to do that day, or that they need to eat, sleep and look after themselves.

Talk through their behaviour

Sometimes when someone is very ill, their behaviour can be challenging.  It’s difficult to understand and to deal with. Often when someone is manic/ hypomanic, they can be very disinhibited. Their behaviour could be embarrassing for you. It might be strange and they act oddly around you and others. It could even be upsetting or aggressive. It’s important that you talk about this, and don’t let it fester. It probably isn’t the best time to talk to them right there and then, because in a manic or hypomanic state they might not listen to reason. Actually, they almost definitely won’t. They won’t be able to see your point of view. So, its best to wait until they’re stable.

Write down what you want to tell them, so you don’t forget what it was they said or did. Writing it down can help you cope with your own feelings, without reaching boiling point. Calmly discuss their behaviour, and how their words or actions made you feel. Try not to judge or be overly critical. Remember that they were ill at the time, and would not have been aware of how much they upset or concerned you. Tell them how their actions and words made you feel. Don’t accuse them of acting in a certain way or generalise; instead turn it around and explain how you felt at the time.

Don’t panic! Some symptoms (like psychosis) can be scary and daunting to deal with. Try to stay calm and follow this advice.

if you’re worried about a loved one, make sure you seek help. This could be through their GP, psychiatrist or community mental health team. You’re able to attend appointments with them, which can help in a number of ways; you can offer support, you may have insights into their behaviour they do not, they may have trouble remembering what’s been said and you can help them make decisions about their care, or advocate on their behalf.

Lastly, it’s ok to find it difficult! It’s ok to be angry with them if they’re offensive and rude during a manic episode. It’s ok to be upset and frustrated when they’re depressed. Make sure you take care of yourself, so you’re in a better place to support them.

Stop Romanticising Mental Illness

Mental illness should never be something to aspire to. Making it seem cute, romantic, or beautiful distorts what it actually is; scary, lonely and ugly.

When I see someone in the public eye talk about how an illness is beautiful, or whatever other positive word they want to use, it cultivates the idea that mental illness is romantic; that it’s a quirk, and something that makes you special and unique. At a time when many people are struggling, or having setbacks with the management of mental illness, it devalues the struggle of people living with mental illness. How are people who live with mental illness meant to be taken seriously when people keep romanticising it? There is so much awareness trying to be raised for mental illness, important campaigns, and all this does is undo all of that.

I’ve had to deal with this many times. I remember being at a party, where a group I didn’t know too well, were discussing a friend, who believed she had bipolar disorder. They were making fun of her, and throwing around comments like, “Everyone has something these days” and “Yeah, bipolar is is just the fashionable ‘in’ thing to have.” and another, “People just want to be different, and bipolar makes you look quirky.” There were nods of agreement. The very idea makes my blood boil. I decided it was time to speak up, and educate them. I said, 

“I have Bipolar. It took 12 years for me to be diagnosed. It’s not fashionable, in fact it’s terrifying and debilitating.” 

I went onto to tell them about the blog I wrote about Bipolar, and recommend some websites and books that they should take a look at. There’s still a long way to go in educating people about Bipolar. People are quick to judge and repeat stigmatising myths they’ve heard. Not everyone is confident enough to call people out. It makes my heart race when I do. This compounds the problem, when people’s views go unchallenged. If you can point people in the right direction to mental health campaigns and charities, it can make a big difference to their point of view.

To me, Bipolar will never be fashionable. It’s a life long severe mental illness that takes determination to live with and even more work and drive to find stability. People seem to hold onto the idea that bipolar can make you more interesting; that others will see you as edgy and vibrant, or brooding and mysterious. It’s harmful to those who are suffering and trying to reach or maintain stability. 

If you can look at your journey and take some positivity from it, that’s great. it’s important to understand and learn from our experiences. There is a line though, and romanticising an illness will never be ok. It’s damaging to people that struggle everyday. Language is a powerful tool, and we need to think about how we describe mental illness; will it cause someone to relapse if I say this? Will my words make someone feel like they’re not trying hard enough? That’s the crux of it; saying mental illness is fashionable, beautiful, a quirky, cute trait to aspire to, tells people that have a negative, brutal, unrelentingly bad experience that if only they tried harder, then they could see it that way too. Mental illness just doesn’t work that way. How about praising people for getting through each day, for still being here? How about being there and listening to a friend who’s struggling? How about actively being part of the change in perceptions of mental illness? That’s something we should all aspire to.

Managing Sleep

I know a ton of us, especially right now when we’re under lockdown, are struggling to get a good night’s kip. How can a lack of sleep affect us? I’ll also look at some tips and advice that have helped me along the way.

Why is sleep so important?

Sleep refreshes us, it keeps us going. But when you live with Bipolar disorder, or any mental health condition really, a lack of sleep can have a major impact. Sleep disturbance is very common if you live with bipolar disorder. Disrupted sleep is a symptom of mania, but it an also lead to manic and hypomanic episodes. Studies have shown that 25 – 65% of people with bipolar, who had a manic episode, had experienced sleep disruption before the episode.

Breaking down the different types of sleep disturbances

Insomnia – is having problems getting to sleep, and staying asleep, or not sleeping enough. It’s a common problem for many people with mental health problems. Hypomania and mania often lead to insomnia.

Hypersomnia – This is the total opposite of insomnia. Over sleeping affects one third of people with bipolar disorder. It often happens during periods depression, where all we want to do is sleep.

Irregular sleep-wake schedule – This is when your sleep routine goes out the window. The irregular cycle can interfere with treatment.

My own experience

I struggle with insomnia, a lot. It’s incredibly frustrating, and to top it off, for me it often leads to mania. If my sleep is disrupted for more then three days in a row (say, I get 2-3 hours a night) I can become very ill, very quickly. Not sleeping is a major trigger I’ve realised over the years and I have to keep an eye on it, and try my best to get a good night’s sleep. I’m also the type of person that when I’m depressed, I feel absolutely knackered all the time. All I want to do is sleep, and even when I get a good 8 hours, I still feel exhausted.

So what have I learnt to help me sleep?

Get some exercise – Honestly knackering yourself out can help knock you out for the night. Tiring out your body through exercise lifts your mood – and helps you sleep. It doesn’t always mean going for a run, or doing aerobics at home. Sometimes I just have a dance party in my lounge – why not! Just don’t exercise a few hours before bed, because it’s too energising and will keep you up. I realise not everyone can exercise all the time when you live with mental illness. Even a gentle walk is better than nothing.

Avoid screen time – Blue screen is baaaad for sleep. Try to stay away from the television, your phone, computer or laptop, at least an hour before you go to bed. Instead, start your bedtime routine. Read a book, even make a plan for the following day.

Routine – When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my psychologist wouldn’t stop banging on about sleep hygiene. What this means is having a solid evening routine you stick to. It helps your mind relate certain tasks and sensory experiences to preparing for sleep. Wahing your face, brushing your teeth, moisturising your body are all a great start. Try incorporating calming hobbies and interests into your routine, such as reading a book in bed or in a quiet corner of the room you sleep in. Make sure you go to bed at a regular time at night, and wake up the same time every morning. I tend to have a ‘night off’ from my routine once a week on a Saturday night, but go straight back to it the next day.

Reflect and Plan – Keep a journal and write down what you’ve done that day. It can help you sort through your thoughts and focus on something that might be worrying you, instead of those worries popping up when you’re already in bed, trying to sleep. Writing is cathartic, and can help you understand your anxieties, and work through them. Listing on paper what you have to do tomorrow, can stop you fixating on those plans when you’re laying in bed.

Avoid naps – If you can, or keep them short if you need one. I love a good nap, but I know if I nap in the afternoon or evening, I won’t sleep at night!

Keep your bedroom for sleeping – Limit watching television, or working on your laptop. Try keeping a tidy bedroom that feels relaxing to be in.

Avoid alcohol and caffeine

Get up– It might seem counter intuitive, but if you can’t sleep (say after 30 minutes) get out of bed and try doing something relaxing. Otherwise it’s frustrating to stay in bed worrying why you can’t sleep. Even if you’ve been up during the night, try to get up at your regular time.

I hope some of these tips help you to get a better night’s sleep. If you’re really struggling to sleep, go and see your GP or psychiatrist, who might be able to give you additional support and further treatment.

Bipolar Myths Debunked

People with Bipolar disorder are just moody

There’s an idea that bipolar disorder is just mood swings – something everybody has, so isn’t a big deal. It is though, very different from everyday mood changes. The highs and lows are extreme and can feel like they come out of the blue, or there is no reason for you to be acting the way you are. These mood changes can last several days, weeks, or even months. The difference from bipolar mood changes to regular mood swings is huge. With bipolar, there are incredible, sometimes terrifying for the person living with it, changes in energy, activity, sleep and mood. I’ll give you an example of what bipolar isn’t; you wake up happy, in a good mood. Later on, you start to feel grumpy and irritable. It might be because of something that happened at work, you haven’t had enough coffee, or it may feel like just ‘one of those days.’ At the end of the day, you somehow find yourself happy again. These are normal mood changes – if you think about it, we rarely stay in the same mood all day!

Mania makes you productive, fun and generally in a good mood

Mania might start out as fun, and you’ll feel like the life of the party. It can make you articulate, quick thinking, and exude confidence. But it can quickly morph into an unrelenting monster. That good mood can quickly change into irritability and spontaneous bursts of anger. Spending can spiral out of control, and you could find yourself in serious debt. Impulses take over, and you may start taking more risks and become more reckless. It may result in a loss of control of your thoughts and actions and even losing touch with reality.

You will lose your creativity if you get treatment

I’m a creative person, I always have been. Instead of medication hindering my creativity, stability has enhanced it. I’m clearer of thought, more focused and less forgetful. I’ve even managed to secure a publishing deal during my longest period of stability. It’s a myth that can be damaging, and stop people from seeking treatment they desperately need.

You’re either manic or depressed if you have bipolar

This isn’t true. Bipolar is a complex condition. Many people with the disorder experience what’s called mixed episodes. This is when you feel highs and lows at the same time, or in very quick succession. Also, it’s possible for people to experience long periods when they feel stable, with balanced moods. It varies from person to person, but some can go years without having an episode of mania or depression.

There’s only one type of bipolar disorder

Bipolar I – Someone with this diagnosis will experience manic and depressive episodes.

Bipolar II – Is mostly categorised by mostly depressive episodes. Someone with bipolar II will have experienced at least one hypomanic episode..

Cyclothymia – This doesn’t meet the requirements for a diagnosis of Bipolar I or II, but still can seriously impact your life.

Bipolar disorder otherwise not specified – This is when someone has bipolar – like mood changes, but it doesn’t fit the same pattern of the above.

I hope this clears up some of the myths and misconceptions around bipolar disorder. If you have any questions, pop a comment below, or ask someone you know with the disorder. It’s always good to ask questions, and learn from people with lived experience!

No, that person you disagree with isn’t delusional

As someone that experiences actual delusional thinking, it’s difficult to hear people using the word to describe someone they disagree with. By using this term all you’re doing is insinuating our symptoms are synonymous with badness. 

I live with Bipolar disorder, with psychotic symptoms. When I have an episode of bipolar mania, I might become delusional. This means I often experience delusions of grandeur. I’ve experienced this since my late teens, with it first surfacing at University. I wasn’t diagnosed until my mid twenties. Delusional thinking means I lose touch with reality. A recurring belief I’ve had is that I’m not only invincible, but that I’m incredibly important. I’ll believe it’s impossible for me to be hurt by anything or anyone. I’ll also think that this power extends to people keeping me out of harms way. It doesn’t make sense and it’s not supposed to! In the moment though I’m convinced I’m right, and any evidence to the contrary wouldn’t change my mind. Delusional thinking has caused me to be run over. I would just walk out into busy roads without looking, believing everything would be ok. Luckily I came away with just bruises, which further fuelled the delusions. I’ve also be in quite a serious car crash because I decided I could drive in the middle of the road, because cars would move out of my way. Again, somehow, no one was hurt. 

With elections, Brexit and Trump, I’ve heard more and more people use the word as a slur. I’ve even had someone from my extended family use it, when they know I suffer with delusions. When opposing sides are arguing, or even just having a debate on an issue, the go to word seems to be ‘delusional’. I’ve heard phrases in the media, by experts in their field, by politicians in interviews all along the lines of;

“This policy is delusional”

“What they’re suggesting is delusional.”

“This delusion will harm the public/economy/our country etc.

It’s insensitive, lazy and a gross misuse of the word. “But delusional means different things!” It may do, but it’s obvious what meaning people are trying to convey when they call someone delusional when they deeply disagree with someone. It’s hard enough trying to explain what delusions are to family and friends, without them constantly hearing the word in a negative light on the news, on social media and by the people running our country. The more people hear the word used in this way, the more likely they are to use it in their day to day language.

Why does it matter what words people use? It’s just a word isn’t it? Well, it portrays delusions, and the people that experience them, as bad. It fuels the idea that people that experience delusions are dangerous. It’s deeply hurtful to the individuals that experience them. We’re human beings and are affected by an illness that can completely overwhelm us, cause damage to our relationships and our lives. We deserve to be listened to when we say a word used in this negative context is hurtful.

Changing up your vocabulary isn’t difficult. Try using words to convey how you feel about what someone has suggested, such as; unrealistic, fantasy, pipe dream, confused, wrong, ignorant etc. Think about that difference of opinion, and the emotion or belief that first pops into your head, and use that word.

I’ve heard people saying that awareness raising has had its moment; that people understand what depression and anxiety is now. I think the way delusional is used shows that stigma, and a lack of knowledge and understanding is still rife when it comes to certain mental illnesses. The less palatable it seems, the more stigma exists.

Before you say it, think about the person behind the word. Think about the ordinary person, like me, who experiences delusions. Think about how you would feel if something you live with was thrown around to attack, discredit, and insinuate someone is bad and cruel. I don’t think you’d use the word in the same way again.

How to help someone before and during a manic episode

Make a Plan. Before an episode of mania starts, make a plan together. First off, they’ll be more receptive to your ideas. They’ll be more in control and be able to look objectively at previous episodes of mania. Decide together what will help them, and what support and help they want when they are seriously ill. Write down your decisions, and keep them in a safe place for when you need them.

Focus on triggers. You could look at their work commitments and any other projects they have and offer your own opinion on them. It may be you feel they’ve taken on too much, which could lead to stress and burnout, that could then lead to an episode. Be calm and gentle with the suggestion, so they don’t feel you’re being overly protective or critical.

Stick to healthy routines. Again to keep them healthy, and during an episode, you could help them stick to a routine. Making sure they have regular meals and a sleep routine will either help to keep them well, or be in a healthier place when the hypomania/mania ends. 

Join in with their activities. During an episode you could do things together with them. If they are being creative, join in. It shows you’re interested in what they are up to, and means you can make boundaries on how long they spend on the activity. Again, don’t force them to stop, but remind them of other things they need to do that day, or that they need to eat, sleep and look after themselves.

Help with finances. You might have to manage their money when unwell. This can be organised beforehand. Doing things such as putting a site blocker on their phone or computer – that only you know the password to. It’ll stop them from spending money on websites you know they use often. You may need to take their cards from them, and have access to their bank account. If they need money for something, they will then have to ask you. It might feel like you’re infantilising them, but believe me, they will appreciate it when they are stable.  

Sometimes when someone is very ill, their behaviour can be challenging.  It’s difficult to understand and to deal with. Often when someone is manic/ hypomanic, they can be very disinhibited. Their behaviour could be embarrassing for you. It might be strange and they act oddly around you and others. It could even be upsetting or aggressive. It’s important that you talk about this, and don’t let it fester. It probably isn’t the best time to talk to them right there and then, because in a manic or hypomanic state they might not listen to reason. Actually, they almost definitely won’t. They won’t be able to see your point of view. So, its best to wait until they’re stable. Write down what you want to tell them, so you don’t forget what it was they said or did. Writing it down can help you cope with your own feelings, without reaching boiling point. Calmly discuss their behaviour, and how their words or actions made you feel. Try not to judge or be overly critical. Remember that they were ill at the time, and would not have been aware of how much they upset or concerned you. Tell them how their actions and words made you feel. Don’t accuse them of acting in a certain way or generalise; instead turn it around and explain how you felt at the time.

When someone is manic, they might lash out at the people closest to them. You’re allowed to be upset if they’re pushing you away or upsetting you. Remember why they’re acting that way; they are ill and dealing with difficult moods and emotions. When things start getting too difficult, it’s ok to take time out. If you’re worried what will happen if you need some time away, then talk to friends and family to help out. It could also help to talk to other people in a similar situation.

To all the people that pulled me through a mental health crisis

Through the years I’ve had many mental health crises. I’ve been on the brink of ending it all, of no longer wanting to fight, of no longer wanting to exist. Although I owe the NHS a great deal, they’ve also let me down when I’ve been at my most desperate. But there are people in my life who have been there, every time. It hasn’t always been easy for people to support me. I’ve upset family and friends during mania, and been rude and irritable when depressed. They’ve supported me without hesitation and I want to thank them.

To my husband, and his calming, caring persona. Never have I met someone with such unending patience and compassion. You’ve pulled me through in moments when I’ve felt like my whole universe was shrinking away into nothing. You’ve been a solid, grounding presence for the past 10 years. You’ve taught me so much about myself and I adore you for your kindness, geekiness and general silliness.

To my Mum, and her profoundly caring nature. For always being there when I need her most. For learning and educating herself about Bipolar and psychosis. For her understanding that I can’t always be ‘fixed’ but that she can help in her own practical way.

To my Dad, and his unwavering support of me. For showing me I’m stronger than I believe. For showing me I am resilient, intelligent and passionate. For showing me that family are the people that care for you and support you unconditionally.

To my brothers’ and their matter of fact attitude to mental illness. They always seem to just get it. I don’t feel the need to explain myself. I don’t feel judged by them. They see it for what it is; an illness I can’t control.

To all my family, for letting me talk when I need to. For accepting me. For listening without judgement or fear. For detaching mental illness from who I really am.

To my friends who accept me for who I am. That haven’t distanced themselves after I was diagnosed. That have stuck by me, and offer support when I struggle, and celebrate when I achieve.

To my online friends who notice when I’m quiet. Who notice when I’m having a difficult time. Who are there to talk to when I need support.

To everyone that reached in to support me, rather than waiting for me to reach out. Thank you. You’ve saved me from myself countless times.