I have written on the blog before about depression and hearing voices, but never in detail about how I hear voices during periods of mania.

During mania, the voices can be comforting. I have many ideas racing through my head during a manic phase and the voices I hear add to the jumble. They give me ideas and fill with me confidence that elevates my mood further. They urge me to try new things, or will encourage me to fulfil my own compulsions. The voices will tell me stories and I will write them down. I have always had an active imagination, but the voices feed it. It’s exciting, a thrill to have these ideas implanted in my head. But are they already my ideas? It feels that they are foreign and new to me, but I know they are coming from inside my own mind, somewhere. It’s very confusing. When I’m stable or depressed, I’ll look back at what I’ve written. It usually doesn’t make any sense. It can be a stream of consciousness or a confused mixture of ideas that are laughably ridiculous.

Sometimes all I hear is a mumble, or words that are completely disassociated from one another. I try and pay more attention and bring them into the foreground of my hearing, but for some reason I can’t. It’s an irritant and draws my attention away from whatever I’m trying to concentrate on, like a mosquito buzzing around a room when you’re trying to sleep.

I often speak out loud to them and they reply very audibly, as if they were in the room with me. The conversations can be about anything. I don’t instigate them, the voices do. Because they are so comforting and well known to me, it doesn’t make me jump with surprise when I hear a question, or a statement in my ear. A voice will start speaking in a friendly tone and a conversation will begin. A voice doesn’t suddenly pounce on my mind, it happens naturally and without fear.

I remember instances as a teenager and adult when I’d be in my bedroom, or home alone when a voice has perked up. When I’m manic I’m already itching, ready for anything. I feel like a piece of kindling that only needs the smallest spark to set on fire and rage. Rage either with hysteria or ferocious anger. Sometimes it’s the voices that provide the spark. They, or it, would start speaking to me. They who were always animated, always ready to push me further. Now, most of the conversations are a blur, trapped in a haze of mania. I can recall bits and pieces. All of a sudden they would be there, and I was always happy to hear them. I would run extremely excited, like I had just spoken to a friend on the telephone whom I hadn’t heard from for years. Or start running around the house, like a small child given too many sugary sweets, full of energy. I’d wait eagerly for someone to come home so I could laugh and talk at them endlessly, desperate to share what had just happened. My family or partner would look at me confused and bewildered, probably wondering what could have happened for me to act in such a way. Something would always hold me back from explaining why I was so filled with exuberance, something that knew it wasn’t healthy to have such a rich and fulfilling conversation with the voices in my head.

I’ve had conversations with people where I’ve become distracted or ‘zoned out’ because there was a voice speaking to me. I might make a joke that no one understands but myself and the voices, our own special inside joke. I’ve laughed out loud for seemingly no reason, when a voice has told me a joke I couldn’t resist laughing at. When strange looks have been given my way, I would say I’d just remembered a joke I’d heard earlier. The voices have become my friends and I think I would miss them if they were gone. If my mood becomes very elevated, I know they will be there and I look forward to hearing them.

This weekend I was at a party, and started speaking to a group of people I didn’t know very well. We got onto the subject of one their friends, who was being accused of faking Bipolar. They felt that she was attention seeking, and were scathing about her behaviour. Then came the inevitable conversation about the status of Bipolar in society. One girl chimed in and had this to say,

“Well everyone these days is Bipolar, because it’s ‘in’ and fashionable.” There were nods of agreement. The very idea of this notion makes my blood boil. I decided it was time to speak up, and educate these people who seemed ignorant of what having Bipolar really means,

“I have Bipolar. It took twelve years for me to be diagnosed. It’s not fashionable, in fact it’s terrifying and debilitating at times.” I went onto to tell them about this blog, and how my post 101 Things Nobody Tells you about Bipolar would be particularly helpful for them to read. The conversation was quickly moved on.

To me, Bipolar will never be fashionable. It’s a life long severe mental illness that takes effort and determination to live with and even more work and drive to find some form of stability. People seem to hold onto the idea that Bipolar can make you seem more interesting; that others will see you as edgy and vibrant, or brooding and mysterious. It’s infuriating that there are people playing make believe because they want their lives to seem more exciting. All this does is add to the stigma. It’s harmful to those that are actually suffering and trying to reach or maintain good mental health. I find it insulting that people would go to such extremes and use an illness I live with to impress others.

I would do almost anything to trade Bipolar for stability. It is beyond me why anyone would romanticise or glamourise this illness, or purposefully want it. Mania, or the idea of it, seems to be the most enticing notion. Some people want to be the life of the party, and go on epic adventures, and see mania as an excuse for this. The difference between being confident and exuberant and mania is stark. I talk about it in the post Bipolar: The difference between feeling good and mania I often say that Bipolar is an explanation for some of my behaviour, but never an excuse.

The reason seemingly more people are now diagnosed with Bipolar is not because it’s fashionable, but because there is more awareness. According to Bipolar UK  2% of the population in the UK have a lifetime prevalence of Bipolar, so the idea that ‘everyone has Bipolar’ is untrue. As a teenager, I was fairly ignorant about mental illness, whereas teens now seem to be much more clued up on the subject. Even though stigma is still prevalent, we are able to talk more openly and society as a whole is becoming more aware.

From the conversation I had on Saturday though, there is still a long way to go in terms of education about Bipolar and mental illnesses. People are quick to judge and repeat stigmatising myths they’ve heard surrounding conditions. The media in particular have a duty to publish articles that are informative and accurate and do not glamourise mental illness. One of the reasons Bipolar is seen as fashionable is because celebrities are being honest about their condition and people want to emulate them. If you want life to be more exciting do something about it, but don’t fake an illness. If you see it as in fashion you are not aware of what Bipolar really is; a disorder that impacts all aspects of a person’s life. It can harm, destruct and kill in all it’s forms. It is most definitely not a fashion statement.